A City So Nice, They Named it Twice

I can count on one hand the number of Mondays that we've spent with Brian since last August. Yesterday was the Monday that put the count to the other hand.

Brian usually calls in the morning to talk to us on the way to work. Yesterday morning he mentioned that he had left his name badge at home when he left on Sunday, and as he said this I looked over to the entry way and saw his tennis shoes sitting there as well.

"We'll bring them to you, " I volunteered, and with that we were getting dressed, grabbing extra diapers, and soon we were on our way.

It's only an hour drive from here to Walla Walla, and it is a beautiful drive. Farmland, rolling hills, rivers and cliffs. It's just beautiful. It's one of those drives where I would have preferred to have Brian driving so I could just look out the window and take it all in. We passed the paper factory and talked about how paper is made and balked at the stink. We drove alongside the Columbia River, which was a bright brown from all the mud being washed in with the Spring thaw. We passed farms with tractors out preparing the fields, and farms with cows and horses meandering through the pastures.

We borrowed my parent's GPS system, so it took us straight to the Jonathan M. Wainwright Memorial VA Medical Center. We used the map I had printed out before we left to find the building where the optometry department is, and we went in to take Brian his name badge.

It was fun to see where Brian is working and to meet one of the doctors he's working with. We only saw him for a few minutes, then we went to the park to play until he got off for lunch. We also drove around town for a while looking at all the beautiful old homes, and we found four free rose bushes sitting out by a sign in someone's yard that we picked up for my sister. We spent the entirety of Brian's lunch "hour" in the drive thru at Ice Burg Drive In, where we got fabulous milkshakes and the best hamburgers I've ever had. Then we drove Brian back to the hospital real quick, and he said good bye and ran back in.

I had planned on going to the Witman Mission, but Marcus was sleeping, so we went on home. It was a very fun day, and we were so glad that we got to see Brian, even though it was only for a short while.

Girls Night 10

Alyssa and I started sewing a pink butterfly library bag, complete with a pocket for her new library card. We've got most of it done, and next week we'll put the handle on it. Tonight she was in charge of telling me what fabric she wanted, which ribbon to go with it, and (this was her favorite part) pushing the foot pedal on the sewing machine. Oh, she loved that! Our camera has completely disappeared, so hopefully we'll have it next week and I'll post a picture of the finished product.

Miscellaneous

Alyssa was invited by her friend, Elizabeth, to go to Bring a Friend Day at ballet. She loved it; she was in heaven. Watching her dance and point her toes, I was really tempted to put her in right away so she can finish out the semester, but finances and the amount of time and energy I have to chase two boys around will probably have us wait until Fall. We're all excited for that, though. I've definitely decided that that's what we'll put her in next Fall.

Plus, NaDell brought some ant poison bait trap things for us to use, and the ants have been in and out of that thing all afternoon long. Believe me, it was quite the popular place to be among the ant crowd. Let's just hope it's popular enough to kill the whole lot of them! (Sinister laugh goes here.)

Alyssa is getting to be a great reader. She's doing really well, and she has great potential, but she fights every step of the way. "I can't do it," she says, "That page is too long." But when I coax her to read it, she does a fabulous job. She loves having "school" with me each morning, and I've seen huge improvements on her behavior and in other areas from having the extra attention/practice/activities each day. She's also getting really good at riding her scooter.

Ethan is talking up a storm. My dad often says that it took me forever to start talking, but once I started, they couldn't get me to shut up. (And shut up was a bad word in our house growing up. I guess dads are exempt.) So now we're starting to go through that with Ethan. It's not necessarily that he talks and talks and talks in sentences until we've had enough, but he likes to point things out to us (Ook, Mom! A rezeer!) and he'll say it over and over again until we repeat it back to him (Yes, Ethan, there's the river) so he can be sure we've understood him.

He's still the perfect gentleman, except for one point. He likes to burp. He doesn't really know how to burp, though, so he'll be sitting at the table and he'll say, "Burt...'scuse me!" and a few moments later, "Burt...'scuse me!" I wonder where he learned burping at the table from, Brian. I have no idea, Brian, where he might have picked that one up from.

Marcus is this close to going to sleep happily by himself in his crib. He's to the point where he'll lay down by himself, and he wants me to put the blanket over him so he can flip flop around on the pillow to get comfortable, then almost go to sleep until he stands up again, lays back down, and starts the whole process over. We're getting there. He's only waking up once or twice a night, and he's really easy to get back to sleep now. So that's going well.

And, boy the kisses he gives. It's so sweet. For the past few nights, when I'm rocking and hugging him before bedtime, he'll get serious for a moment or two, look at me with big googly eyes, grab my neck, or sometimes he pats my cheeks, then he'll pucker up and give me the sweetest little kiss on the lips, and quickly turn his head away with a very shy smile. And he'll do this seven, eight, nine or so times unti he's ready to lay back down in his crib. He is going to be quite the ladies man someday.

Brian is doing well in Walla Walla. He wears blue scrubs every day at the hospital, and he's never told me where he's figured out to put his keys, since the srcubs have no pockets. He's studying for the third round of Boards, which will take place over two weekends in April.

I'd tell you what I've been up to, but the things I want to say each almost deserve their own post. To sum it all up, I'm having a blast doing Morning School with the kids each day, but I'm getting completely worn out from having Brian coming and going so much, and (like I've said so many times before) I'm so tired of him being away. I'm excited for Spring - so excited for Spring! And I've already bought most of our Easter candy. Can't wait for that. I'm going to have to start hunting around for the hard shell pastel sugar egg things that I love, because they're really hard to find.

And that's what we've been up to.

Popcorn from Heaven

I remember a time in high school - I don't know where we were, Katie's house, Bridget's house, Kara's house, my house... - but we were all sitting around somewhere, getting ready to watch a movie. Jamie happened to mention that she was hungry, and Brooke, who was sitting beside her, sprinkled popcorn over her head, saying, "Don't worry, Martha. The Lord will provide."

I don't really know why that memory stuck in my head, but I'm glad it did, because it resurfaced this weekend, and honestly, it's given me a lot of peace.

I am a planner. I like to plan things, and sometimes I plan things multiple times, just because it's so much fun to plan things. I usually plan things well in advance of them actually happening, mostly because I'm excited, but partly because I feel that if you prepare early you'll be prepared for anything.

Brian and I have been talking a lot this past while about buying or building a house in the near future. Obviously, we're looking at things a little early given that we haven't graduated from school yet and therefore, we don't have a job. But we do have a job lined up, and it's been good to talk about it early, because it's been fun to start to figure everything out together and it's given us plenty of time (and we still have plenty of time) to get everything figured out.

I mentioned in a previous post that there's a small neighborhood going up in Pasco that's close to the river, in a country setting, on large lots, for a good price. I've fallen in love with one lot in particular in that neighborhood. It's on the end of a cul-de-sac, with a large, nicely shaped triangle that would would create a huge backyard if you placed the house correctly. I've fallen in love with that lot, and there has been a part of me that has been impatient to get things going (even though I know it's too early to get things going) and I've been afraid to lose that lot of land if we wait for too long.

So this last weekend we were going over finances, and looking into a lot of options for paying off student loans the best way, saving up for a house, etc. And, like I said, I'm really glad we started planning early, because we've been back and forth and up and around all over the place figuring things out, and it's given us time to put priorities in place and figure things out to the best of our advantage. Even though we haven't decided anything, I feel like we're on the right track to getting things worked out.

While I was thinking about everything on Saturday, thinking about getting our student loans under control as our first priority, I started to worry. "What about that lot? What if it get's taken?!?" But then a memory popped into my mind. I saw Jamie being showered with popcorn from "Heaven," and heard Brooke saying, "Don't worry, Martha. The Lord will provide."

So everything's going to work out. If we're meant to have that lot, it will still be around when we're ready. More likely, though, is that when we're ready we'll be able to find something that will be wonderful for us, and I just need to be patient and wait to see what that is.

Girls Night 9

Tonight we painted Alyssa's nails, folded laundry, and watched the pilot episode of "House." We're not so sure that we like "House." For one, I probably shouldn't have let Alyssa watch it in the first place. Her stomach got queezy during a couple of parts. For two, the pilot didn't do a whole lot for me. I'll try a couple more episodes before I decide, though.

So we've made it nine weeks without missing a Girls Night. It's been so fun, and Alyssa really looks forward to it.

Oh, and today we went to the library, and Alyssa got her first library card. That was very exciting!

Just a Little Adventure

Yesterday I loaded up the kids, my mom, and my niece, Merian into the van and we drove to Spokane to play in the snow with my sister, Kim. The thought process that lead to this was, "Alyssa doesn't have school this week. It would be nice to do something fun with her and the boys. It would be cool to take her skiing, but I don't think I'm good enough to teach someone else, and it's expensive, and I'd have to find someone to watch the boys. Hey, we should go sledding, instead. Where would we find snow? Spokane! Mom said that there was a ton of snow in Spokane when she was there on Sunday. We should go sledding in Spokane."

From that thought, I called my mom, then Kim, and soon it evolved from an afternoon sledding trip to an overnight party, and back to an afternoon sledding trip. We left around 11:00, and made it to Kim's house, then the park around 2:00. Apparently, it's been warmer in Spokane over the last few days, because a lot of the snow was gone. There was still enough to go sledding, but the hill had a ton of bumps, and there were trees lining the edges, which were actually really easy to run into. (No one did, but we sure got close!) When the boys started crying because they were too cold, we loaded the kids back in the van, went to McDonalds for dinner, and headed home.

The girls had a great time giggling and singing in the back of the van. Ethan had a good time watching the trains, Marcus slept most of the time, and my mom and I had a wonderful time talking with each other. I even learned that when my dad was in college he dated the sister missionary who taught my mom before she joined the church. Pretty cool.

Another Year Older, and Wiser, too?

It's been a good birthday. Alyssa even says that God gave me a birthday present in the form of a beautiful hail storm that lasted nearly a half hour. The hail was coming down like crazy, and building up on the grass. We went out and danced in it for a while. It was very cool.

Brian sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The kids and I watched Madagascar 2 and had pizza for dinner. Then we made a cake where the overall frosting technique was, "Frost the cake, put pretty squigglies all over it, and put drop flowers wherever Ethan or Marcus poked and/or grabbed handfuls of cake and frosting."

I've had a ton of people either stop by or call or email to wish me a happy birthday, and Katie says that I've apparently got some well wishes on Facebook, too. I didn't even think to check Facebook! Anyway, birthdays are fun. (ooh, here comes a rhyme.) Birthdays are great, and this one is special 'cause I'm twenty-eight. Yep, I'm going to bed now.

A World of Difference

Marcus slept until 4:41 last night. Old time, not new time. If you factor in daylight savings, which I should since it went into effect at 2 a.m., he slept from 9:00 through almost 6:00! Isn't that amazing?!? I am amazed at what a good night of sleep does to my morale. Also, it's wonderful to have a husband sit up in bed while I'm rocking Marcus and say, "If there's any way that I can help, let me know." So much better than not having a husband here at all. Really, just having him here, just not being alone made a world of difference.

Negetive Nan

Warning: It's currently 4:19 in the morning. I have been weaning Marcus for a week now. My hormones are going berserk. I am emotional and cranky, and I may or may not make sense.

Oh, where do I begin? There are so many (many!) crazy ramblings going through my mind right now. Marcus was actually mostly asleep, being rocked on my lap, but he was coughing so frequently that he wasn't able to fully go to sleep so I could put him down. I was basically writing a Complaining Post in my head, so I figured I better write it down to just get it out.

I'm sorry that the bulk of my posting for the last six or seven months have been me complaining. Life is really not that bad, and even on my worst days I know that there are so many other people who have a harder life than I do, and I really have no cause to complain. But yet I still complain, and I hate that, because I am not a negative person. I'm not, and I don't like being one. I realized a few months ago that I was spending entirely way too much time focusing on the negative, which was only making my life, and my children's lives worse. And yet, I still complain. In my defense, though, even though I have a ton of negetive blog posts lately, I'm not being negative all day long of every day. I just don't have any free time to post the good things that are happening. Seriously, there have been so many good posts that I've wanted to write that have just been swept aside, because when I finally get chance to write I've got to get everything written down and out of my brian. Like now, for instance.

So, yeah. Where do I begin? I am so tired of having Brian gone. We've gotten used to it; it's almost become routine, especially now that he's able to be home every weekend, instead of every thrid or fourth weekend. We've gotten used to it, and we've made do and done the best that we could, but I am so ready for it to be over. I'm tired of all our conversations taking place over Windows Live Messenger after the kids are in bed. I would love to just have him come home in the evenings and be able to talk over dinner or while cleaning up after dinner. I would even love to have to shout while talking, because the kids are being loud, or have a disconnected conversation, because I have to change a diaper in the middle of it. I just want him here. I'm tired of being alone, and I'm tired of doing this alone. Call me a wimp, but I could not be a military wife. I'm not that good.

Weaning Marcus has been crazy. Let me start by telling you that my other two children basically weaned themselves. On their own, they cut down their nursings to be just once before bedtime, or during the occasional "I'm sick" or "I really just got hurt" times, so nursing just kind of faded out for them, and weaning was no big deal for me or for them. (Alyssa weaned at fourteen months, and Ethan weaned at fifteen.) Weaning Marcus has been entirely different story. When I started to try getting him to sleep through the night when he was eight or nine months, I kept nursing him through the night, because Brian wasn't home, I was exhausted from being a single mother, and nursing was the fastest and easiest way to get him back to sleep. And that was okay up until he was twelve, thirteen, fourteen months old and waking up nearly every two hours to nurse. You can't tell me that that was necessary. He wasn't interested in nursing during the day, he was getting plenty of nutrition from real food. He just had this crutch to lean on that actually was keeping us both up all night long.

So I tried to shorten the time spent nursing at night. I tried cutting down the number of times he nursed at night. We made progress, but that progress was very, very slow. Fast forward to last week. Jeremy and Andrea were getting married in Seattle, and I very much wanted to go with Brian without bringing Marcus along. We spent the entire week debating whether or not to bring him, and we finally decided to just leave him at home. It turns out that we were very busy with Brian being the best man (Yes, I'll post soon about the wedding. I've been wanting to.) and it would have been really hard to be carting a baby around everywhere. My wonderful mother kept Marcus for two nights, and he was not happy about the situation. When I got back, I figured that he had already gone two days and nights without nursing, and it would be silly to put both him and my mom through that and then to just go back to nursing all night long, so we quit cold turkey.

I'm glad that we did, but it's been hard on both of us. With the other two kids I didn't have the huge and hurting chest when I stopped nursing. I don't like that part. I didn't have my hormones forming a picket line and shouting obscenities at me. I don't like that part, either. And Marcus has definitely not been happy with it. Yes, we're still making progress. He's sleeping better, but with his cold (really, I guess it is more the cold than the not nursing) it's really hard for him to get back to sleep enough to stay asleep. He's now on a schedule that he wakes up at four o'clock every morning, and instead of crying and screaming like he did at the beginning of the week, he just complains for a few minutes, fights for a few minutes, then he goes to sleep in my arms. Seriously, the whole process takes about ten minutes. Not that bad. But then he starts coughing in my arms, and he doesn't settle enough for me to lay him down, then he wakes up again, and we have to start the whole process over. Or, I lay him down, he starts coughing, and then after about five minutes he wakes up again. Really, the best way to get him and keep him asleep right now is by holding him and walking around the room, and my legs are so sore from walking so much. It feels like I've just taken up running! My thighs are actually sore! From rocking my baby to sleep!

But, really, we are making progress so I shouldn't complain. And once his cold is gone things will get a lot easier. (By the way, I rubbed creamy Vicks on his chest and throat a while back, and he's asleep now. He got tired of sitting on my lap down here, so we went upstairs and he conked right out.)

So what else is going on? I want to have another baby. Brian wants to have another baby. But I do not want to be pregnant again. Even with being on medication when I was pregnant with Marcus, I was still miserable. Yes, I was only throwing up once or twice a day. Yes, I was able to take care of the kids and reasonably take care of the house. Yes, I was able to function as a normal person, which is something I wasn't able to do while pregnant with Ethan. Yes, yes, it was okay, but I was still miserable. The throwing up once or twice a day lasted nine months. My stomach was hurting constantly. I was miserable, and I do not want to do that again. I honestly feel like being pregnant contributed to this awful state of complaining that I'm in. When you spend nine months being miserable, you kind of get used to it, and you just keep complaining even when it's over.

I know, there are ladies who would give their right leg to have the opportunity to be pregnant. I should be thankful that I can have children, and I am. I feel guilty that I'm not embracing this miracle that I have a chance to take part in. I've lost three babies during my pregnancies, so I know that feeling of emptiness. And it took a long time to get pregnant with Ethan, so I know the yearning of wanting so badly to be pregnant. I know how incredibly sad it is to be on the other side of things, yet, I still feel that being pregnant would be worse.

There are so many things that I want to do with the children I have already, and I feel like the quality of their lives would suffer from having a sick mom for nine months. I wouldn't be able to play with them, or have energy and patience to tuck them in at night. I wouldn't even be able to sit and read with them, because that would put them too close to me and reading aloud would also make the sickness worse. (It sounds pathetic, but it really does.) I'm seriously thinking of homeschooling next year (yes, I'll post about this soon, too) and I've started having a Morning School with the kids before Kindergarten each day, and I've loved that. I wouldn't be able to do that if I was pregnant. I'm terrified that we don't have a dish washer. Standing over a hot, steamy sink doing dishes is really hard for me when I'm pregnant. Heck, just rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher was hard enough last time. Brian says that he'll help, but he's not going to be around all day, and he'll be tired when he comes home, so even though it's wonderful of him to offer (and if/when I do decide to get pregnant I will take him up on that offer) it's not enough to relieve my mind.

Yes, I know I don't have to worry about this right now. While you're reading this, you're thinking, "If you're not ready to be pregnant yet, just wait. Don't worry about it right now. Marcus is still young. You have plenty of time." I've already told myself the same thing. The problem is that even thinking about it happening next year, a year from now, a couple years from now...it still feels like it's this huge thing that looming over me, waiting to just make my life miserable. And it doesn't help that I really do want more children. I especially want a sister for Alyssa. Honestly, if I was guaranteed to have a girl, I would do it one more time, and that sounds really bad, because there are so many women who would be happy with whatever they were given.

I've thought about adoption a bit. I want to think about it more. Maybe if we put the Pregnancy Decision off long enough for Brian to come home and get settled in his job and get us settled in our lives, then we'll look into it more. I know there are a lot of children out there who need loving homes. I just need to look into it enough and know that it really is the right thing for us before we think seriously about it.

And last, (Yes, I'm almost done!) I want to buy a house. Brian and I have been talking about buying a house for the last five years. We frequently plan our dream house, even though it may never happen. But it's fun to plan. In our dream house I have our ballroom, and Brian has the elevator going down to a Bat Cave that also has multiple buttons for basement levels that don't exist, just to confuse people...who happen to be in the Bat Cave Elevator....Um, but we know that those particular designs will never actually make it into our real dream house.

So we've been talking about buying a house, and we've actually talked to a few banks and lenders and such, and we could buy a house in the very near future. School is almost done, and Brian will have a steady, good job. It looks like it's very possible for us to buy a house soon, but we're running into the question of just because we can doesn't necessarily mean that we should. We've had a great time looking at houses that are entirely too expensive for us, and adding mental notes on which contractors we like the best and what their rates are for building Bat Caves. We've looked at a lot of different options, from buying to building, to waiting. I've found a lot of land that I've fallen in love with, and a builder that seems to be in our price range, and we could even start building soon so the house would be ready this summer when Brian will have a job, but we're still not sure that's the smartest thing to do right now.

I would love to be settled for a while in our own house. I can't wait for the day that we can actually say we have our own house. The lot that I love is so close to the Columbia River and the bike path. I would love to live by the river! The lot is actually not very far (at all) to where I grew up. I have so many memories of going on walks or bike rides along the river. Riding my bike to meet Jamie Thompson at an old dead tree that we named Marius (because I had a huge crush on Ryan Pitcher), and going for walks with my sister Christina and just being in awe of her very exciting (in my opinion) high school life. I would love to be able to take walks every day with the kids or with Brian or as a family. I would love for Alyssa to have a safe place to ride her bike. She's six years old, and she doesn't know how to ride a bike!

See? There's so much that I want, but I feel guilty for not being thankful for what I already have. We are so blessed to have the house we're living in now. It's not perfect, and some days here are really hard, but it's more than a lot of people have, and we really are lucky. I should be thankful.

And now you all know that I'm crazy, because Marcus has been sleeping for the last forty-five minutes, and instead of going back to bed, I've been typing away my troubles and boring you all with an incredibly long, emotional post. Now it's almost six o'clock, and I'm wondering if I should just get up for the day and take a shower while everyone is still sleeping, or if I should go back to bed, which means that I'll probably be forced to take a shower with Ethan and Marcus running around the bath tub, hogging the water. I could start another paragraph telling you about how I've tried to interest the boys in breakfast, computer, movies, games, and toys in hopes of showering by myself while they're awake and that it never works and they come find me upstairs anyway because we don't have a lock on our bathroom door, but that would just make this post longer, and that would be really pathetic.

Anyway, life is not that bad. I really am happy most of the time. I know that this won't last forever, and it's actualy almost over. I'm going to go lay down for a few minutes, then I'm going to go take a long, hot shower, all by myself.

Girls Night 8

The boys took an extremely long time getting to sleep last night, so Alyssa and I were left with very little time for Girls Night. We put together a Disney Princess puzzle. I wanted to make necklaces copying the one Jenny Gennings wore to Jeremy Hanna's wedding last weekend, but I couldn't find the right beads at Wal Mart, and the practice necklace I made with the beads I did find turned out not nearly as cute as the original. So next week I'm going to go to Michaels or Craft Warehouse and do things right.

I'm still loving Girls Night. After putting the puzzle away, and as we were turning from the table to head upstairs, Alyssa said, "I love you, Mom." I told her that I love her, too.