Realizations

This morning it finally hit me: I'm pregnant. Ever since finding out on Monday I haven't really believed that it's true. I don't have any symptoms yet, and I've just been waiting for my cycle to start over again. Then I woke up this morning and it seems like the minute I walked in the door from going to the gym, I've felt this overwhelming sense of "pregnancy."

I tried to tell Brian how I felt before he left for school. I'm a little off guard, because I thought that I would have a couple more months to prepare for a pregnancy. I'm a little disappointed, because the biggest reason that this year was great to go to Disneyland was because I wasn't pregnant yet. We talked about possibly cancelling our trip, just in case I get sick like I did last time, but really Disneyland isn't the real issue here. We'll go no matter what, and I'll do my best no matter how sick I am. Brian suggested that I look up ways to prevent hyperemesis (getting very sick) on the Internet, and that should help me feel a little more prepared. I did that, and it boosted me up a bit. I found hyperemesis information sites and message boards, and I learned that a lot of other ladies have gone through what I have. Normally the only other people who understand me is my mom and Christina. I felt so much better after reading about other ladies' experiences and knowing that I'm not alone.

So I headed to the shower, and the minute I turned the knob, I felt exactly how it felt to shower when I was pregnant with Ethan. The steam made me sick, the sound of the water made me sick, the feeling of the water made me sick, the warmth of the water made me sick...everything about taking a shower, besides being clean, was repulsive. Although this morning, I guess I didn't feel sick, but I remembered so vividly how sick I was that I became terrified. Everything started coming back. All of the little things (besides the obvious constant nausea and vomiting) that I had forgotten: not being able to kiss Brian, not being able to brush my teeth, having a constant lumpy, sore throat, everything. And I started to cry.

Feeling a little silly, but still scared, I called Christina and she was able to help me calm down. "Don't stress about it. That will only make it worse. Try to stay positive." She was right. Those were the same things I had been telling myself before I dialed her number.

I'm not posting this looking for pity. I just thought that since this is what has been consuming my thoughts today, I might as well write it down. Brian gave me a blessing when he came home from school, and I do feel better now. I'm going to stay positive and do everything I can to try to be healthy. If I do happen to get sick, I have a good doctor who knows I'm telling the truth and not exaggerating my symptoms, and who will be able to help me get things under control as quickly as possible. So every thing's going to be okay, and now I can get on with the laundry and get through my day happily.